Around three weeks after the break-up, just right after the denial stage, life for me started to turn into a big mess. I had a difficulty in picking myself up and I was in utmost confusion because I did not know where and how to start. I was a total wreck and all I can think of was just to stay in a corner and cry miserably.

I remember the time when I used to close my room and sing with the karaoke machine while tears roll down my face. I would often turn the mp3 player on and lock myself in my room and spend all day crying even while under the tune of the happiest dance songs. One of my favorite activities – cooking - was not a good diversion either since I could not even get started by not thinking of the times when I used to cook my specialty Chopsuey for him and he in return would show his expertise on Adobo for me.

I know that what we had together was very lovely and the break-up is something I consider as one of the biggest downfalls I have in this lifetime. Whenever I suffer miserably in thinking of the loss, I always go back to blaming everything on him. For me, it was just all his fault!

I was not contented with just believing that he was to blame for everything. I felt the need to hear from all my friends that it was indeed his fault. Hearing things against him from people I consider my allies seemed like music to my ears. Every time I felt down I always talk to my mom and friends of how and why he was to be blamed. It never fails to boost my ego.

Speaking of the ego, anger was the only way for my ego to rebuild itself. It was an emotion that I know I should not contain otherwise I will blow up. It took me three months to deal and manage my anger. It was a good thing that this emotion did not get in the way of my job because every time I face my students I automatically shift to the teaching mode in full flow but, during break s I always deal with the sadness and the anger that comes right after it.

It took me a lot of power to finally master the skill in managing my anger until it slowly left my system. When the point came that I was no longer angry at him, I realized that my ego had already mustered the strength for it to receive painful blows from the truths. That was the time I reflected on my own contributions to our problems and facing the fact that it takes two to tango a good and a bad dance.

The time to blame him was over and the time to blame myself began. I realized that if it were not for anger, my ego would not have been prepared for the next ego-breaking stages of the grieving process.