I would do anything for peace of mind! A lot of people are striving for it and are even in constant struggle to achieve it. I would even kill if I have to. But then again, doing so would defnitely not give me what I need. Like I said, I would really do anything for peace of mind… anything!!!

Sadly, peace of mind is not that intrinsic as what other people claim. Yes, I agree with them when they said that it has to start from within. It really has to start from the inside before it blooms to a level that can be more appreciated. However, human as we are, we can never be fully immune to extrinsic factors. Oftentimes, we end up changing our environment in order to set the self-determined prerequisites before working on for inner peace.

Every moment in my recent relationship was a constant struggle for peace of mind. No matter what we (my ex and I) do to resolve our issues, it only ended up to futile efforts. There even came a time when our conflicts can no longer be talked over and was already intractable. I tried to ask for space but it was not granted. In every day that passed, issues were stacking on each other and all the more was it hard for me to forgive him and move forward. I became desperate for peace of mind by changing the situation on another approach and that meant getting out of the relationship. I was desperate to escape!

I remember the times when I used to leave the house with a heavy heart. I would often attend my masters’ class bringing along with me insults that I constantly processed just to look decent in front of my classmates. There were a lot of times that I was scared to go back home because I did not know what waited for me - another fight or another additional insult? I did not show weakness because I had to remain strong for my family and for myself. I got strength in the relationship when all I needed was just support. Totally, peace of mind along with my self-esteem was draining until it vanished.

I lost some things essential to my emotional and psychological intactness. I needed to get them back! Although it was initially difficult for me after the break-up to decide on how to start picking up those elements, looking at myself now being single again, I have gained some of them back and still in the process of fully gaining the sparkle that I once had.

If I ask myself now if I have peace of mind, the answer is a big YES despite the pain of losing him that I constantly bear. If I look at myself now on another angle, I guess it is better dealing with this pain and appreciate peace of mind at the end of the day than following my passion in loving him unconditionally yet not have inner peace at all.

Right now, I am in high hopes that someday I will be with the man who will share passion with me and the celebrated peace of the heart, mind, and soul that I so longed for!

I always get excited whenever a Tuesday hit my calendar. It was the time I was scheduled to go to Saint Louis University (SLU) to attend the psych class for my masters in nursing. It was also the time I met my classmates whom I consider as one of the biggest support systems I have in Baguio City. After the class, we would often go to Gloria Jeans and spend some additional time to talk. We even share problems and give psychotherapy to each other if needed.

There are a lot of times when I faced them sad and confused because of problems with my ex who was then my present boyfriend. They let me see a lot of angles and share a variety of opinions and proposed solutions to the then current dilemmas. Some gave an obviously inappropriate advice (could be due to lack of understanding of the salient points) and some said some bright words that hit the right spot. Whenever my ex would inhibit me to go out with the only real social life that I have in Baguio, I would really assert for my right to go with them because it only happens once in every one or two weeks. Unfortunately, it often turned into another conflict between the two us.

It is actually not the amount or appropriateness of the advice that I am after whenever I see my friends. It is simply their presence and the experience of having people willing to spend time to listen and share both positive and negative energies with. I tried to extend my life to these people and what they had to offer because I do not want my world to revolve around my partner. The need for belongingness from friends is something that should not be denied nor forbidden. Nobody has the right to stop you from fulfilling a need.

I have learned to appreciate my support systems not by the quantity or number of people I have but on the quality of friendship and connection that we have in terms of genuineness, sincerity, and the implied promise that whatever happens, you are just there for each other. And yes, my real friends both in Baguio and in Tagum were completely there for me after the break-up.

There was not a day that nobody would call me just to check on how I was doing. While I was in Tagum City to spend the grieving process, my friends in Baguio kept calling on the phone just to listen and reflect with me. On the other hand, my friends in Tagum visited me at home and listened to my stories while offering a hand to hold on whenever I feel like crying. My best friends regularly took me to the local coffee shop to spend time talking and enjoying the wifi. Meanwhile, my mom and older sister would take me to malls and places where we could shop clothes and stuffs or to the supermarket for some groceries.

My Mom, my older sister and my real friends were all there and are still there to keep me sane, to check on my physical safety and emotional intactness, and to keep me diverted whenever I need to. They are my support system and I can not ever move forward without them.

Around three weeks after the break-up, just right after the denial stage, life for me started to turn into a big mess. I had a difficulty in picking myself up and I was in utmost confusion because I did not know where and how to start. I was a total wreck and all I can think of was just to stay in a corner and cry miserably.

I remember the time when I used to close my room and sing with the karaoke machine while tears roll down my face. I would often turn the mp3 player on and lock myself in my room and spend all day crying even while under the tune of the happiest dance songs. One of my favorite activities – cooking - was not a good diversion either since I could not even get started by not thinking of the times when I used to cook my specialty Chopsuey for him and he in return would show his expertise on Adobo for me.

I know that what we had together was very lovely and the break-up is something I consider as one of the biggest downfalls I have in this lifetime. Whenever I suffer miserably in thinking of the loss, I always go back to blaming everything on him. For me, it was just all his fault!

I was not contented with just believing that he was to blame for everything. I felt the need to hear from all my friends that it was indeed his fault. Hearing things against him from people I consider my allies seemed like music to my ears. Every time I felt down I always talk to my mom and friends of how and why he was to be blamed. It never fails to boost my ego.

Speaking of the ego, anger was the only way for my ego to rebuild itself. It was an emotion that I know I should not contain otherwise I will blow up. It took me three months to deal and manage my anger. It was a good thing that this emotion did not get in the way of my job because every time I face my students I automatically shift to the teaching mode in full flow but, during break s I always deal with the sadness and the anger that comes right after it.

It took me a lot of power to finally master the skill in managing my anger until it slowly left my system. When the point came that I was no longer angry at him, I realized that my ego had already mustered the strength for it to receive painful blows from the truths. That was the time I reflected on my own contributions to our problems and facing the fact that it takes two to tango a good and a bad dance.

The time to blame him was over and the time to blame myself began. I realized that if it were not for anger, my ego would not have been prepared for the next ego-breaking stages of the grieving process.

My assumed married life revolved around Baguio City. It is where I discovered a lot of unknown things in my personality and where much of my transformation as an adult occurred not physically but rather mentally and emotionally. It is the place where I fostered my love for my recent ex and it is the pool of my personal experiences ranging from worst to best.

I really think that it is one of the loveliest cities in the Philippines because of its wonderful combination of nature, urbanity, and weather. The only catch is that it is about 600 miles away from home (Tagum City) and is considerably far. I remember that despite all the difficulties that waited in this place, I still opted to leave my comfort zones, fly to Baguio, face different kinds of people with different cultures and values, learn languages somewhat alien to my own, and start life anew with him. I thought that if loving him meant that I must do this kind of sacrifice then I did not see why I should not.

I learned to love Baguio only because he was in it. I fully embraced a lifestyle that is far different from what I had back home until the point came that I decided to leave everything behind for a reason only few can fully decipher. The escape I made for home and freedom from the chains in my life was carried out. I left the place as a torn and incomplete being. Some pieces of me were still left with him and even a lot more were left in Baguio.

For more than a month, I was a complete mess yet I knew that there was a need for me to push myself a little forward. I tried to bring myself back to the right track in both personal and professional aspects of my life and started to pick up the pieces to build myself once again. I remembered that in order for me to completely do that, I must go back Baguio. I knew That someday I will and when that time comes I must be prepared to face it.

Now, I am back in Baguio! Being here again this early did not occur to me at all because I felt I still needed more time at home for myself and for my family. But, due to demands of the times and my desire to finish my masters as soon as possible before I migrate to the USA, I forcibly induced my preparedness to be back. And so I made my choice...

Now I am starting to take back the pieces I left here and I think I am really doing a good job at it. My mind is set not to see him as much as possible because the wounds that have started to heal might be agitated once more. In time, I will cross that bridge but for now I must do what I am supposed to do out of love for myself and for people who truly love me. Moreover, I learned to further appreciate and love Baguio City no longer for reasons related to my ex but because of the splendor that it contains and every beautiful thing it has to offer!

I used to see him every time I opened my wallet. I forgot that it was an important thing for me to remove his picture because it no longer had a place inside it. I was in denial. I acted as if the break-up did not happen. In my mind was the awareness that the relationship is gone but the heart did not feel any pain, misery or despair. Like I said I was in denial – the first stage of grieving according to Kubler-Ross.

I thought that if this repression carries on, all the painful emotions might someday come rushing to hit me all at once and I might not be able to manage them in the context of sanity. I then rushed my heart to feel the hurt but the effort was futile. I was still in denial. My heart was numb to preserve its wholeness and muster energy before facing what has to be faced.

I remembered what my co-psychotherapist told me that I should fully embrace the grieving process including the time it takes for its completion. I said Okay and so it was time to wholly embrace the grieving process! I knew that I cannot rush healing otherwise I will always deal with a non-ending cycle of relapses.

Every time my girl best friend (Lani) brutally scolds me for keeping the picture, I always pull out the reply that his picture does not cause any harm so why bother. If I am in the denial stage then so shall I be in denial! Days passed by and I continually performed the regular check by staring at his picture on my wallet.

Before the second week ended, looking at him in the picture seemed to start giving me an absurd feeling that was not present before. I already felt the pain slowly crawling into my nerves and into my heart. Finally, I was hurting!

I already got the stimulus I need to finally remove his picture from my wallet along with four other photos of us together. I hid his solo picture in a secret place and decided to burn the other four in a special ceremony that I devised the night that followed. I cried while slowly burning them. I allowed myself to feel the pain I was longing for.

The pictures are gone but the memories still lived. I was hurting so much that every thought of him was like a direct stab on the chest. But I knew it was good because finally, I made it pass the first stage of the grieving process! I was no longer in denial.

My career gave my newly single life a good kick start. Since the break-up, I received more demands from work and passed the NCLEX which is one of the three exams I will be taking this year to open more opportunities for me in the world of professional nursing since nowadays, being only a BSN graduate and a registered nurse in the Philippines is no longer enough to give you an edge in the labor force.

My current job as a lecturer in review centers gave me an opportunity to expand my knowledge in nursing, skill in teaching, and finance my lifestyle which is quite posh at the moment. Unfortunately, this job blocked my way to fully prepare myself for the upcoming NCLEX. I only had 20 days of self-review while working and I still did not see any reason to reschedule the exam to a later date.

Prior the exam, I had to travel from Baguio to Makati where the examination will be held. During the trip, I came across places where my ex and I used to go to when we were having our vacation in Manila. I consider it one of the best vacations I had in my life only because I was with him. Seeing those scenes triggered memories to float in my mind and while seated in the bus, I was constantly sucked into my inner vacuum and slowly being consumed by the feeling of misery, despair, and loss.

Upon arrival to my hotel room, all of the weakness both physical and emotional met to the point enough to cause distress. Seated on my bed, tears suddenly came rushing out from my tear ducts. They were in a hurry to go out along with the heaviness I was bearing inside. I cried and screamed, sworn bad words, punched the bed and the walls, and threw anything I could touch that I knew would not break. Out of ridiculousness, I even took the laundry from my luggage and washed them while crying. That night was a night of crying, meaninglessness and misery. I finished doing the laundry, stopped crying, and immediately went to bed. I took it as the final and crucial preparation for the NCLEX.

On the next day, I took the NCLEX. There was not a drop of anxiety in my nerves despite the lack of reading and preparation. I took it with all confidence with no concern on the result. Two days after the exam, I knew from the quick result service that I passed. I PASSED! And in front of the computer I once again cried so hard but no longer did I shed tears of misery but rather it was tears of victory that rolled down my face!

From that experience, I learned that I am a victor, not just because I passed the NCLEX and are on the right professional track, but because I know how to cry. Once again I have proven myself that I am indeed a master of my emotions and this is the strongest foundation of my victory.