Sadly, peace of mind is not that intrinsic as what other people claim. Yes, I agree with them when they said that it has to start from within. It really has to start from the inside before it blooms to a level that can be more appreciated. However, human as we are, we can never be fully immune to extrinsic factors. Oftentimes, we end up changing our environment in order to set the self-determined prerequisites before working on for inner peace.
Every moment in my recent relationship was a constant struggle for peace of mind. No matter what we (my ex and I) do to resolve our issues, it only ended up to futile efforts. There even came a time when our conflicts can no longer be talked over and was already intractable. I tried to ask for space but it was not granted. In every day that passed, issues were stacking on each other and all the more was it hard for me to forgive him and move forward. I became desperate for peace of mind by changing the situation on another approach and that meant getting out of the relationship. I was desperate to escape!
I remember the times when I used to leave the house with a heavy heart. I would often attend my masters’ class bringing along with me insults that I constantly processed just to look decent in front of my classmates. There were a lot of times that I was scared to go back home because I did not know what waited for me - another fight or another additional insult? I did not show weakness because I had to remain strong for my family and for myself. I got strength in the relationship when all I needed was just support. Totally, peace of mind along with my self-esteem was draining until it vanished.
I lost some things essential to my emotional and psychological intactness. I needed to get them back! Although it was initially difficult for me after the break-up to decide on how to start picking up those elements, looking at myself now being single again, I have gained some of them back and still in the process of fully gaining the sparkle that I once had.
If I ask myself now if I have peace of mind, the answer is a big YES despite the pain of losing him that I constantly bear. If I look at myself now on another angle, I guess it is better dealing with this pain and appreciate peace of mind at the end of the day than following my passion in loving him unconditionally yet not have inner peace at all.
Right now, I am in high hopes that someday I will be with the man who will share passion with me and the celebrated peace of the heart, mind, and soul that I so longed for!