It has been a week since I came home after keeping myself ensnared from a seemingly non-ending contemplation of what lies ahead of the climacteric decision to finally leave Baguio City. As I experience the breath of home sweet home, I gasp in ambivalence with the thought of having left my boyfriend, my partner. Physical as the separation is claimed, keeping a long-distance relationship may not be as easy as it is read nor spelled.
I would have believed that this kind of setup rarely prospers. Hearing and reading repeated accounts of those who have been through failed long-distance relationships, I too settled into the thought that i would share the same fate should I engage into such. This thought may have been influenced by a mixture of emotions lead by fear of waiting for nothing, making a fool out of myself, and ultimately fear of failure.
Although despite these negative emotions that stir the situation into further complexity, I closed the deal to stay into my relationship. The fear of losing him is superior than any fear I could possibly think of now. Although the decision entails a lot of risks (unmanageable fights, unquenchable needing, etc.), I force myself to find peace that at least I still have him.
I am gay and unfortunately unable to get married, which may add more challenges to our situation. In order for us to be more realistic, we set a deadline to when we should be together again, or else accept that we too, like the others who tried, should part ways. We have no ties, but I know we have something more genuine than any ring or contract. I hold on to my love for him and the promise we made for each other whatever the stakes are.
As I spend the early days of remoteness from my lover, I carry on with my adventures and do what I can to become my best for my family and for that day I await that we meet again. The pain, the fears, and the feeling of inadequacy are all my responsibility to deal with. And as challenges cloud our relationship while 600 miles away from each other, I cling to hope to hinder myself from once again being astray.