Letter to my Kuya

Dear Kuya Eugene,

I hope that this letter finds you in utmost comforts in heaven. It has been years that we have had last a conversation together. I still remember that I was juvenile and you were in your teens but the rest are no longer memories but rather emotions of how it is like to have you around. I may not have all the words before to express fully what I wanted to say but this time I write you this hopefully as an adult.

Since you left, I grew reconciling myself to having no male figure around. Luckily, mom is here to make things a little easier for me and ate. I know everybody tried their best to move on and oftentimes I felt like needing to follow the good things you have left behind. Of course I later on discovered my individuality, and probably the footsteps I track right now are no longer yours nor dad’s. I am sure that I did try to keep up with the challenge of bringing honor to the family. But no matter how much gold i take home with me, the feeling of wanting to chase the better impact you have made remains. 

I may have been chained to factors that kept security and confidence from occurring in me. In many times I try to prevent myself from drawing straight lines between my gender orientation, the lack of a father, family secrets and competitiveness, culture and choices, and the many things that were lacking or taken away from me (you included). I look outside the box and realize what a mess this life is. However, I live and have become what I am now because of these constraints.

Many changes happened while you were gone. I assume you take a peek at the hallowed windows and witness almost all these. But this time I share to you how I experience what has transpired over the years.

The Nurse

So I am a nurse now Kuya! Probably not your daily-average-sane-psychotic nurse, I consider myself special. I would have loved it more had I taken the course on Computer Engineering or Journalism that I really wanted but skimming over my career track, everything came so fast that in the blink of an eye I am now taking my doctorate. Even if this decision to take nursing was heavily influenced by false promises, I still manage to give my best. But at times I could not resist to linger to the what-if questions especially if I face the frustration of not able to achieve the primary goal to why I took nursing - to work abroad.

I was somehow forced to believe that the heavens speak differently about my fate and that I am in this spot now for another purpose. Lesser to my eyes, what I do not see nor experience now is the greatness it may turn out at the end of the day. My skepticism though was not a hindrance to strive for a living and now I am teaching young nurses who just like me before are on their way to more challenges. I have also authored three books related to my profession and carry myself the hope that I will be able to touch lives through these familiar ways.

Lifestyle and Adventures

I am not sure how you would react to my lifestyle but I believe that I am engrossed into a wide range of human exploits. Since I came back from my four-year stay in Baguio, I have found myself loved and hated, stubborn yet growing, rewarded and punished, frozen yet seared, built and broken in a number of ways. Moreover, I have loved traveling and being afloat in the plane or slackened in the bus seat is one of the best ways I find tranquility. I am fast paced and ideas spark inside my thoughts like a lightning that comes out of nowhere. Oftentimes, I let my excitement take my impulsivity to a higher level but whether my decisions are sheer necessity or just stupidity, I take consolation of the positive ends, if not the fact that at least I tried.

Lately though, I have learned the art of mellowing down. My spirit that is constantly on the go has got to rest. My mind and emotions this time will be further tamed down. Even if I am at times irritated by the shadows of my past, I am blessed that i am enveloped by the unconditional support of mama, ate, the family, and my closest friends. I am also glad that Tagum is a lot different from what it used to, and now it is a better place to live a simple yet happy life.

The Big What if 

It is irresistible to wonder how it would be like if you were still alive. If you were here, I am not sure if I would be able to do what I have done in the past few years as I remember you were too over-protective of me when I was still your young little Macoy. You will most likely stop me from taking risks that would jeopardize myself. On the contrary, I would perhaps not allow you either to stop me from my pursuits as I know I would strive hard and never stop to get what I want. Nevertheless, what’s important I reckon is that I am safe with the family. It would just be a lot better if you were here. Just like before, it would be amazing to have you as a companion as we go to places. I still remember the Video Rental Store visits we make. But then again, I am happier that you are now at peace up there. 

Totally, there is nothing to worry about Kuya. The tasks I am left with and the goals that our family has set will not be led astray. I believe that everything will fall into its right places in the perfect time. And as long as I am here to protect mom and ate, please be confident that everything is basically A-okay!

Do send my love to our grandparents and I hope that this letter makes you smile!


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