I may have lost the most important man in my life (Dale, my ex-bf) but at least I won two more men in the person of my half brothers who have been disconnected from my life and my family since day one.

I knew upon the leakage of family secrets that my father had children from other women aside from my mom. Knowledge of the harsh truth had me felt like there was no time for grieving because the thought that I had half-brothers had me rushing to find them. The internet was the best place to commence the search.

Champ is my younger half brother in General Santos City who I met barely 5 years ago when I was still a nursing student. He was the only person who replied to the hundreds of emails I sent to strangers I suspected would have the key to my quest. Eventually, we figured out that we had the same father and I found exactly who I was looking for.

Giovanni has been a regular invitee to significant family events. He is older than me and younger than my full-blood sister. There must be something special about him that makes him entitled to these prerogatives. And I was not wrong. He, indeed, is special. The bubble has burst and I found out that is also my half-brother.

In an attempt to cope from my recent breakup, I figured that it would be helpful to tap some support systems near the area. I called Champ up to visit Tagum City (my hometown) and promised to introduce him to our older sister, grandmother, and people that he should have known as part of his birth right. I toured him around the city and shared family stories while driving the car.

I also called Giovanni up to meet his newly found brother. Our older sister – Karen – was busy with her kid so the three of us spent the night together. We had dinner in some nice restaurant and headed to a videoke bar where we spent the night sharing our stories, feelings, and happiness that somehow another puzzle piece became clear in our lives.

I opened up myself and they gave support despite the fact that my stories are different since I am gay. They were proud of me for standing for a good decision and sympathized with the pain I am currently bearing. All my inner conflicts, past or current, came to a pause of peace with my brothers. It was totally a night to remember for the three of us and I am glad that I was the key for the reunion.

Somehow, another chapter of our lives was opened now that the bond between us was formally made. Today, Giovanni will be getting married to his long-time girlfriend and we are reunited once more for this event. I will be the best man later (or best woman as I always cry out) and I only wish the couple the best of luck for their newest adventure!

Yesterday was my only-gay-best-friend’s birthday. Whenever I think of Caesar’s situation being alone in Pampanga and spending his special day far from family and real friends, I can’t help but recall the trials I have encountered during the times I felt alone in Baguio.

To feel alone does not necessarily have to be physical. It is purely subjective whatever the cause may be! Despite the fact that I had people who tried and are willing to keep me company and/or at least make me smile, I can only remember how everything seemed blank and futile in my eyes.

I have realized that there is a slight, if not big, difference between “just missing home” and “officially missing home”. To just miss home is what I felt when I was having my internship in far away hospitals. It is to miss with pure innocence. It is automatic and a form of regression back to our infancy and childhood when we used to feel the inner need for home that contained the basic love, trust, and safety.

On the other hand, officially missing home is everything stated above with the addition of utmost concern to the point worry. As long as these thoughts are not delusional, inevitably thinking of home is a struggle for survival. This occurred to me when I was living in Baguio.

During the times that I faced threats to my ego, safety, and general welfare, I could only think of being silent and nonreactive to avoid these threats from intensifying. Indeed, major problems including issues that I and my partner (ex-bf) had were no longer on the surface but unfortunately, they were also left unresolved. I was creating a vacuum within me and lost a lot of things. I lost my assertiveness and had to relearn it. I lost my self-esteem and had to reflect on my worth. I almost lost self-respect and could only think of one thing – ESCAPE! I wanted to be back to my comfort zone. I wanted to be back to home.

Now I ask myself how I survived those dilemmas. Probably it was the promise I made to my family and friends that I will go back home in one peace. Probably it was the newly built support system I had in my masters’ classes in the university. But, I guess it was my inner strength and the prayers I made that fostered the strength are what count the most.

During nights of fear and terror, I slept with a rosary tied in my hands and knew then that God offered another yet special kind of home. Every time I woke up in the morning clenching the beads of my little rosary, I no longer felt alone.

I must say that one of the strongest motivation I had in starting all over with this new blog is the recent break-up I had with Dale (my ex boyfriend, and I repeat.... my ex boyfriend). A new blog would definitely be perfect, not in staining anybody's reputation nor put blame on whosoever but, to share and be constantly reminded of how I was able to pick myself up and be in the faith that this is only but one of the crosses I must bear in this lifetime.

The most important thing at this point I guess is the thought that at the end of the day, everything becomes a learning experience on me and on everybody else. Fate has her own way of teaching us all sorts of lessons in life may it be through the easy way or the hardest and most painful way ever. Sometimes, we fail to extract the gist from the incident and oftentimes, we even refuse it. We refuse to learn! One can blame the ego and pride if they feel that this is the only thing they have left but whether this is deniable or not, those who fail to learn are doomed to repeat the painful process all over again.

Enough with fate. Now, does this have any psychiatric implication? A component of our personality called the "unconscious" is a dump of all good and bad things that happened in the past that we can no longer recall. The need of the unconscious oftentimes reflect in our choices - the color of our shoes, the size of the car, whether you fence your house or not, and even on the choice of boyfriends/girlfriends. I know a lot who has relatively been into a number of relationships that ended into disappointments. You can go ahead and blame the other parties should you wish to but, if you take a closer look on your self, you will find out that the unconscious might have something to do with it. In its attempt to resolve the hidden conflicts (which is almost impossible), one has a tendency to choose someone who will eventually break-up with him/her in the long run. I remind you that this choice is not conscious but rather unconscious.

The chain of repeated negative experiences will eventually carry on until you do something to stop it. But How?

First, you need to find acceptance within yourself that you have a contribution to the situation
Second, be aware of the pattern of these negative experiences
Third, Identify the NEED that the unconscious is trying to fulfill with the choices that you make
Fourth, Cut the chain. Redivert the need
Fifth, CHANGE for the better.

The five steps I have formulated is simply the process of LEARNING in its valid sense. You can claim you've learned your lesson and tell everybody about it but the truth of the matter is that you really haven't learned a thing. We should keep in mind that the most important thing is not what you tell others but what you tell your self.Before you convince others, first you must convince yourself.

Going back to the break-up. Well, It's over and done now and moving on means more than saying "I've moved on!". It is a process that involves Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and ultimately acceptance (Kubler-Ross). The most important key factor in healing and moving on is TIME. Right now, my need for a new partner and a new relationship is not yet a FELT NEED. Thus, I have decided to take an entire year to grieve plus another year for preparation for the next relationship and basically focus into other aspects of my life that I neglected when I was in a relationship with Dale. I need to take time to preserve what's left in me until it naturally blooms back to fullness.

Again, I don't want to convince others that I've moved on... First, I must convince myself.

The welfare of our lives are mostly dictated by how we make Decisions, Decisions, Decisions! We make decisions almost every day - from the small ones (decaf or espresso?) to the big life-changing more-confusing ones (espresso or decaf?!?!). We try not to boo-boo our way to bonkerville with wrong decisions. Read on...

1. DONT FEAR THE CONSEQUENCES We are afraid of the results of our decisions. (You can say that again). We are afraid of the... alright, sheesh! We are lead into wrong decisions because we are afraid to fail, lose, or be hurt at the end. It's like go playing safe and rather not getting all the good stuff than choose to do something and get the junky bad stuff. Sometimes I am like "Forget about the underground parking lot. Let's park somewhere safe (yet far)". I was shit sweating when I got to the mall. Bummer!

2. GO WITH YOUR GUT Instincts rock!! Hell yeah! sometimes the first choice that enters your mind has a bigger chance of ending up to be the best decision! Just call it the instinctive snap decision.

3. CONSIDER YOUR EMOTIONS Did someone ever tell you that you make the best and most rationale decisions when you are under the clouds of depression? Well, i'm telling you now so don't forget it. Depressed people have the most realistic take on the world thus termed 'depressive realism'. All emotions affect our thinking and motivation, so it may be best to avoid making important decisions under their influence

4. PLAY THE DEVIL'S ADVOCATE To make good decisions, you need to do more than latch on to facts and figures that you like best. Admittedly, searching for evidences that could prove you wrong is a painful process. So don't be a stubborn asshole kid! Don't choose to hear what you want to in making decisions or else end up a dork. Choose with humility and with a little less dogmatically.

5. KEEP YOUR EYE ON THE BALL It's a special holiday sale at the mall and you go rushing (oh, dont forget to wear your undies you sale-freak you) to buy stuffs which prices are "reduced". You compare the current price to the old price and you get a ringing in your ears for a good bargain. You hand over the card *kashiiiiing!!*, and end up with another wrong decision because it turns out that what you bought is still expensive in absolute terms and you are already out-of-budget. Bottomline? Keep our decisions from being attached to irrelevant fact and figures... Focus!

6. BEWARE OF SOCIAL PRESSURE No on is immune to that eeeveeel social pressure! Admit it, we make decisions and consider what others think about it. Beware of situations in which you have little individual responsibility - that's when you make irresponsible choices. If you suspect that you're making a choice because you think that it's what others (your boss, parents, boyfriend, etc) would want, then think again.

7. LOOK AT IT ANOTHER WAY I admit that I would rather buy snacks that are "90 per cent fat free" than those with "10 per cent fat"... Don't be a goof, they're just basically the same! Look at your options from more than one angle and avoid rushing or being hell impulsive in making the right choices.

8. DON'T CRY OVER SPILT MILK The more we invest in something, the more commitment we feel towards it even if it's already not a good idea to continue. Don't count the wastage, just choose what you think is best!

9. LIMIT YOUR OPTIONS You get more pleasure choosing from 5 different ice cream flavors than from 20. More choice makes more demands on your information-processing skills, and the process can be confusing and time-consuming. Greater choices also has greater chances of making a mistake so you may feel less satisfied because of a fear that you've missed a better opportunity.

10. HAVE SOMEONE ELSE CHOOSE Sometimes, people not involved in the decision-making-pressure have a better view of stuffs so maybe it's time you relinguish your drag queen crown and let others choose for you...

About the Blog

Welcome to Forward Push!!! It took me a very long time to finally muster all that idea and drive to create the blog that I was planning on making a long time ago and yes, here it is! My old blog www.mckhoii.com is still in service but from now on i will be more devoted to my new blog which I believe will cross more borders in touching lives by letting people see other dimensions that the heart and even the brain find hard to decipher. Life is nothing but a mere collection of thinking stops to make our choices. It is inevitable to fall and stumble down. Life is unfair and that is a fact. But, will you let cruelty win everytime you encouter it? There is a mass need for everyone to move forward in life. This blog is not just for the weak, nor is it just for the strong. This is simply for those who need a forward push! Welcome to my website!

About the Author

I am an angel stripped of wings against my will, strengthened with ceaseless chastisement, deafened by castigation, held prisoner in the dungeon of pain, torment, and tears. I laugh when anguished severely and cry miserably when exposed to authentic bliss. Yes, I am ambivalently neurotic but utterly unconfirmed schizophrenic. I can inflict death if provoked. Rat racers, dogs in a manger, backseat drivers, especially barefaced liars must all observe proper time, distance and shielding upon face to face encounters to avert from the radioactively foul element of my persona. (And get shame for Chrissakes!) I am a repeated passing fancy to a lot who remain blinded by despicable superficiality and unresolved past issues, but to those who would rather feel than just see, I sparkle as bright as an everlasting star. My histrionically boisterous nature has caused grouchy others to believe that I am a sadistic monster, meanwhile to some I remain the awaited bearer of delight, even the sole spring of what seemed to be a hopeless smile. Influence is one faculty I abusively operate and I can manipulate with either charisma or vile coercion in politically or emotionally taking gullible fools to another planet. My philosophies in life are free to plagiarize and although resilient, I still consider dying for my integrity a non-recommended yet worthwhile phenomenon. My existence is sculpted by music and I am oftentimes caught drowning in the sea of notes and rousing lines. Without it, I am a zombie. I am the superstar of my very own fairy tale and I summon the colors of magic in candid words, earnest caring, and plain sweet romance. I extract more joy living alone than in faking my way into a bogus relationship. I guarantee utmost devotion as long as it is real. When I am in love, I mean business and when I say I mean business, I can exploit brains and even brute force to fight for my man! (Intruders beware and, oooh, don’t you even think about it)The kid who once dreamt of conquering the world is still stuck in my body and he has an irrepressible penchant for neat novels, anime/cartoons, and mouthwatering super dark chocolates. I am a bona fide lacto-ovo vegetarian and an obsessed possessor of a sweet tooth. Albeit denied of a godlike physique like Apollo’s, my skills and intellect appraised with 3 dozens of medals and trophies have catapulted beyond the counterweight of what I lack. I am driven towards evolution into a divine champ of perfection in the splendid nirvana but until then, I am lain rested into the hands of those who wish to enjoy my earthly human presence.