I would do anything for peace of mind! A lot of people are striving for it and are even in constant struggle to achieve it. I would even kill if I have to. But then again, doing so would defnitely not give me what I need. Like I said, I would really do anything for peace of mind… anything!!!

Sadly, peace of mind is not that intrinsic as what other people claim. Yes, I agree with them when they said that it has to start from within. It really has to start from the inside before it blooms to a level that can be more appreciated. However, human as we are, we can never be fully immune to extrinsic factors. Oftentimes, we end up changing our environment in order to set the self-determined prerequisites before working on for inner peace.

Every moment in my recent relationship was a constant struggle for peace of mind. No matter what we (my ex and I) do to resolve our issues, it only ended up to futile efforts. There even came a time when our conflicts can no longer be talked over and was already intractable. I tried to ask for space but it was not granted. In every day that passed, issues were stacking on each other and all the more was it hard for me to forgive him and move forward. I became desperate for peace of mind by changing the situation on another approach and that meant getting out of the relationship. I was desperate to escape!

I remember the times when I used to leave the house with a heavy heart. I would often attend my masters’ class bringing along with me insults that I constantly processed just to look decent in front of my classmates. There were a lot of times that I was scared to go back home because I did not know what waited for me - another fight or another additional insult? I did not show weakness because I had to remain strong for my family and for myself. I got strength in the relationship when all I needed was just support. Totally, peace of mind along with my self-esteem was draining until it vanished.

I lost some things essential to my emotional and psychological intactness. I needed to get them back! Although it was initially difficult for me after the break-up to decide on how to start picking up those elements, looking at myself now being single again, I have gained some of them back and still in the process of fully gaining the sparkle that I once had.

If I ask myself now if I have peace of mind, the answer is a big YES despite the pain of losing him that I constantly bear. If I look at myself now on another angle, I guess it is better dealing with this pain and appreciate peace of mind at the end of the day than following my passion in loving him unconditionally yet not have inner peace at all.

Right now, I am in high hopes that someday I will be with the man who will share passion with me and the celebrated peace of the heart, mind, and soul that I so longed for!

I always get excited whenever a Tuesday hit my calendar. It was the time I was scheduled to go to Saint Louis University (SLU) to attend the psych class for my masters in nursing. It was also the time I met my classmates whom I consider as one of the biggest support systems I have in Baguio City. After the class, we would often go to Gloria Jeans and spend some additional time to talk. We even share problems and give psychotherapy to each other if needed.

There are a lot of times when I faced them sad and confused because of problems with my ex who was then my present boyfriend. They let me see a lot of angles and share a variety of opinions and proposed solutions to the then current dilemmas. Some gave an obviously inappropriate advice (could be due to lack of understanding of the salient points) and some said some bright words that hit the right spot. Whenever my ex would inhibit me to go out with the only real social life that I have in Baguio, I would really assert for my right to go with them because it only happens once in every one or two weeks. Unfortunately, it often turned into another conflict between the two us.

It is actually not the amount or appropriateness of the advice that I am after whenever I see my friends. It is simply their presence and the experience of having people willing to spend time to listen and share both positive and negative energies with. I tried to extend my life to these people and what they had to offer because I do not want my world to revolve around my partner. The need for belongingness from friends is something that should not be denied nor forbidden. Nobody has the right to stop you from fulfilling a need.

I have learned to appreciate my support systems not by the quantity or number of people I have but on the quality of friendship and connection that we have in terms of genuineness, sincerity, and the implied promise that whatever happens, you are just there for each other. And yes, my real friends both in Baguio and in Tagum were completely there for me after the break-up.

There was not a day that nobody would call me just to check on how I was doing. While I was in Tagum City to spend the grieving process, my friends in Baguio kept calling on the phone just to listen and reflect with me. On the other hand, my friends in Tagum visited me at home and listened to my stories while offering a hand to hold on whenever I feel like crying. My best friends regularly took me to the local coffee shop to spend time talking and enjoying the wifi. Meanwhile, my mom and older sister would take me to malls and places where we could shop clothes and stuffs or to the supermarket for some groceries.

My Mom, my older sister and my real friends were all there and are still there to keep me sane, to check on my physical safety and emotional intactness, and to keep me diverted whenever I need to. They are my support system and I can not ever move forward without them.

My assumed married life revolved around Baguio City. It is where I discovered a lot of unknown things in my personality and where much of my transformation as an adult occurred not physically but rather mentally and emotionally. It is the place where I fostered my love for my recent ex and it is the pool of my personal experiences ranging from worst to best.

I really think that it is one of the loveliest cities in the Philippines because of its wonderful combination of nature, urbanity, and weather. The only catch is that it is about 600 miles away from home (Tagum City) and is considerably far. I remember that despite all the difficulties that waited in this place, I still opted to leave my comfort zones, fly to Baguio, face different kinds of people with different cultures and values, learn languages somewhat alien to my own, and start life anew with him. I thought that if loving him meant that I must do this kind of sacrifice then I did not see why I should not.

I learned to love Baguio only because he was in it. I fully embraced a lifestyle that is far different from what I had back home until the point came that I decided to leave everything behind for a reason only few can fully decipher. The escape I made for home and freedom from the chains in my life was carried out. I left the place as a torn and incomplete being. Some pieces of me were still left with him and even a lot more were left in Baguio.

For more than a month, I was a complete mess yet I knew that there was a need for me to push myself a little forward. I tried to bring myself back to the right track in both personal and professional aspects of my life and started to pick up the pieces to build myself once again. I remembered that in order for me to completely do that, I must go back Baguio. I knew That someday I will and when that time comes I must be prepared to face it.

Now, I am back in Baguio! Being here again this early did not occur to me at all because I felt I still needed more time at home for myself and for my family. But, due to demands of the times and my desire to finish my masters as soon as possible before I migrate to the USA, I forcibly induced my preparedness to be back. And so I made my choice...

Now I am starting to take back the pieces I left here and I think I am really doing a good job at it. My mind is set not to see him as much as possible because the wounds that have started to heal might be agitated once more. In time, I will cross that bridge but for now I must do what I am supposed to do out of love for myself and for people who truly love me. Moreover, I learned to further appreciate and love Baguio City no longer for reasons related to my ex but because of the splendor that it contains and every beautiful thing it has to offer!

A friend told me just lately or rather viciously ordered me to stop the “if only” and “what ifs”. Not only does it foster false reassurance, it also becomes an emotional obstruction towards moving on. She told me that I have to help myself and not rely on others for me to do that. After all, it is I who is moving on and not them. Okay, so I got the point! I must help myself and that is why nowadays I am doing just that.

On my half-brother’s recently held wedding, I was caught into an emotional interlude when the entourage led by me – the best man – marched across the beautiful cathedral’s aisle. The bride and groom’s eyes seemed to sparkle as if it only communicated happiness, excitement, and the words “This is finally it!”

While everybody was in mind of the ceremony, I on the other hand was busy sinking myself into my own fantasy. My strong conviction to move on was nowhere to be found that time. Then I started to ask myself the not-to-be-asked-ever-again-question “WHAT IF Dale and I got married like what we planned to have on the late quarter of this year? How would it be like if we both exchanged the “I dos” and kissed in front of everyone?

Stop!

My thoughts came to a halt for a while but the sequel still followed…“Our families were already supporting of what he had, it would definitely be a great gay wedding!” and I added “We were so sure of ourselves that we were meant to be together. IF ONLY we did not break up. IF ONLY as live-in partners, we did better”.

STOP!!! And I mean it.

And so I stopped and came back to my senses. I realized that the heart would not stop calling out his name out loud. This is probably normal given the fact that it has really been just two months yet that passed. The brain should always have the power to interfere these fantasies and govern by answering “It is over and done. Lesson learned. Move on.” This phenomenon is what I call the brain and heart working, not equally, but in synchrony.

I proved from this experience that my friend was indeed right! From now on, I should give myself a favor and start helping myself (seriously this time). I now cling on to the hope that someday everything that Dale and I had will become “a thing of the past” and remembering it would only elicit a smile and a thought of how better I have become since then. I believe that I will get married perhaps not now but in the right time… and of course, with the right man!